Experiencing the Shift

After a grueling two weeks of trauma recovery work with my all time favorite LifeSTAR therapist, I decided to make a trip back to my home town for self care.
It was an incredible time of connection and fun with the family I created for myself up in Rexburg.
Upon returning home I had discovered that my husband had been dishonest and in binge behavior while I was gone. It wasn't in the way of previous years. His sobriety date has not changed. It was in being dishonest about how we have been walking step by step, I thought in sync, for the last 10 months with how we feed our family.
I have over 30 food allergies, and in finding myself reacting to cross-contamination with foods that are deemed "safe," I have had to delve in and really study what goes in to all my food.
I learned things about me, and also about my children. I found out that food has a large impact on behavior. The better and less processed foods we eat, the better the children are able to focus, and their behavior improves.
I would share this with Cody, and he would agree. He would help me purchase the items on the grocery lists. We would not bring processed sugar, refined wheat, or processed foods into the house during this time.
The whole time I moved forward confident in thinking we both wanted to train our children about food and the effects of healthy food for their bodies. I thought and believed we were creating this together.

I do remember during this time he told me that he noticed that he was addicted to certain foods and was having a hard time without fast food runs, or doughnuts. Since moving to Utah, finances have never been so tight, so we worked out a plan for him to keep his junk food runs so that he did not feel controlled by the new lifestyle changes I found crucial for myself and the children.

Now, I have watched many mothers when they make this change, completely control everything that comes into the house because of the knowledge they are obtaining. They obtain so many facts about health, and the negative effects from processed foods that they feel inconsistent with continuing to purchase it.
I wanted to give my children education, offer them alternatives, and not clamp down in control over every single thing they ate. I wanted to be flexible and adaptive.

If they go to school, church, scouts, friends, or where ever in this world, they do not say no to candy or "fun" foods. I realize it is my job to share my knowledge, and their job to act responsibly. They may never share my vision. And I know I can not control this.
I have my ideal of how I would LIKE us to eat, but the reality of finances, food availability, time restrictions, and the family being on board are all obstacles to the ideal. So I have relaxed and become much more flexible. We eat a healthy breakfast, and dinner. At school the kids eat school lunch because of the high costs of processed-free sack lunches. My emotional health and dealing with my trauma also played a huge part in learning how to let go of unrefined sack lunches. I surrendered the healthy lunches so I could take care of myself for a little while.

During this time Cody would bring in the treats from the store, and occasional pizza, or take the kids out for Mcdonald's, Del Taco, or ice cream as our budget could handle it (about once a month.)
I of course sat back, knowing it was not an ideology I shared to go buy junk for the kids, but was in agreement that my husband has this agency to do this. Just because it is not where I am at with my allergies, and knowledge, it IS where he is at.

So while I was gone to Idaho for self-care, he went all out in binge behavior with the children. He took our youngest for dougnuts, and Del Taco. He went on a junk food run to the store and bought all the children's desired junk food items for them. He took them to McDonalds and Tenney's Pizza.  I came home to a garbage sack full of cookie and cheetos wrappers.

This is where having gone through betrayal trauma already with him, I felt a huge tear of trust with his behavior. He has been acting out in complete binge addictive behavior with food. What's worse he drug the kids through it with him. It sets the precedent that when mom is away he will play the hero dad and undermine everything I believe in and and feel about nutrition.
It totally felt like he was playing Disneyland dad.
I was undermined with my children. They know intuitively that this was dad pitting them against mom and her "rules of health."

It was a shock. It was painful. I had to wrap my heart right back up. I had to call in more guards. I was so devastated.
He not only undermined me with the children, but had been dishonest with being on board. He had lied to me about his feelings and willingness to live this way.
I can deal with the knowledge of him not wanting to change his lifestyle, but he did not say anything to me. He just went along with it. He did not believe in it. He lied in order to please me so I "wouldn't be mad at him."
This behavior is victim behavior in what is called the drama triangle. It is a sign of codependency. Going around not being honest about your thoughts and desires, and staying quiet in order to please someone else, is the height of codependency. However, this creates dishonesty as well as a lack of trust for the woman going through betrayal trauma.

We have been trying to rebuild and regain trust with each other as a result of the betrayal. This was a huge backwards step. I came home from an amazing time of self-care and connection, and was hit full on with this new betrayal.

I discussed how I felt lied to and betrayed. I was in the middle of explaining my emotions around the betrayal when he started making his "rage face." He has certain tells of "this is unfair," and "that is not true," in his clenched jaw and gritted teeth. I know the face well. It was the face he would get right before being physically abusive with me or the children. He had it once again as I explained my feelings and how I was affected.

When I tried to talk to him about it, he said was never on board. He thinks the kids should eat doughnuts. This healthy eating is my thing not theirs. Not everyone gets my same health problems, its unique to me. He feels controlled. He was not in betrayal. This was my fault for being so strick. His defensiveness and his victim stance went on and on.

I told him that I would need him to get out of the drama triangle and being a victim in order to feel safe enough to continue to discuss it with him. He ended up in such deep shaming behavior around his binge with the kids that I had to ask him to leave the bedroom for my safety.

This all looked very calm to any passer-by. No one would have ever known, seen, or heard my deep pain and my own agony as I upheld my boundary with him. No one could see the ongoing rip of trust and feel the resulting pain.

He went to the couch deep in shame. He could not see mine. He reached out to men in his recovery group, as well as a LifeSTAR graduate. They all helped him to see that he had been dishonest with me and that creates unsafety for me as a wife. They also showed him how he had undermined me with the children, and it was not my fault. He had been the one who was dishonest.

A quote from our recovery readings about defensiveness:
A typical reaction when you feel attacked is to become defensive and protect yourself...however, when you react defensively to your spouse's concerns and expressions of pain, it is like you are taking the metaphorical rock from her and then hit her with it again. -LifeSTAR  Creating Safety.

He came back the next day and read this to me. He said that he can not imagine the pain he has created for me. He sat and read through all the mistaken responses from addicts when confronted with a spouse's trauma reaction. In his recovery reading he saw that he had done all of the following instead of creating safety for me.
He had become defensive. He had taken the victim stance. He had turned the tables. He had ignored and avoided his irresponsibility and dishonesty. He had used logic and reasoning to prove his open and shut case. All were in play that night.
And now here he was looking at what that had done and how it affected me, and was apologizing for the pain, fear, and unsafety this had created for me. He said that the knowledge of what he had done was very difficult to face. He was so very sorry for what he had done. He saw that he had picked up the betrayal rock and had indeed been beating me with it when I had come to him with my pain.

So yes, I felt the pain. I felt more betrayal. Then when telling him how it affected me, I was retraumatized by his defensive behavior. I put more gaurds around my wall and added another foot of wall with more razor sharp wire.
Then he came to me in humility and awareness of how he had created unsafety. He apologized and was trying to repair the damage.
It is still too raw and too painful to take my denfenses down with him in order to stay safe. Right now I create my safety for myself.
I am tentatively watching to see if this new knowledge and new behavior is continued or if it is more of the same.

There is a shift though. I feel hope and it is a new and terrifying feeling. My hope has not served me well in the past, but that was when I lived with a man in sobriety, but not recovery. Cody's behavior last night in his repair attempt was my first sign that he is engaging in recovery.

I have been hoping for this since his disclosure three years ago. My hope has been a bitter source of pain. Only time will tell if this is true recovery. His actions will show me if he is being honest, or if it is lip service only. Time will be my new best friend for a while. If this is the launching pad for recovery I will take it.