"Basically, I have a crush on a man who isn't my husband."
The words rang loud and clear in my mind. These words shook me awake. It shattered the illusion I had been living in. I broke out of my denial. There I sat looking reality in the face.
I am attending a trauma recovery group with a special group of women who have endured the destructive force of lust addiction. I sit with women whose lives have been shaken through the addictions of their loved ones. I had been attending weekly meetings to heal the betrayal trauma that I was going through as a wife of a man with sex addiction.
I had been in my own recovery for over a year when I heard the above words. But they are not the only words I heard. I listened to my friend own up and hold herself accountable around a man who was not her husband. She recounted how well she had done managing herself when she found herself in close proximity to him...and then for a brief moment, she slipped. She was coming clean.
What I heard next was pure light and knowledge from My Lord and Savior.
Our counselor replied,
"That is not a minor slip. This is serious. You know how dangerous it is. You have to stay present. It very much is a betrayal to your marriage covenant."
I don't know if those were the exact words our counselor spoke, but they were no longer being spoken to this woman. These words, though directed to her, were exactly the words that the Lord needed me to hear that day.
I had been drowning around the feelings I had for a neighbor I had recently met. When I met him for the first time I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, as well as been hit with a bolt of lightning. He was charismatic, friendly, charming, the most handsome man I had ever seen, and most importantly... none of that mattered. He was not my husband.
As I was going through the pain of trying to connect to my husband, and going through the trauma that reaching and trying to connect to an addict and the pain it was continually being shot down, I felt lonely and vulnerable.
The more the months went by the more I would look forward to seeing this man at church. I would enjoy watching him with his children, and watching them dote on him. The more pain I would feel at home, the more I would slip into fantasy with this man. One day I realized I could not get his face out of my head.
After one very triggering, emotional, painful Sunday afternoon at church, I had come home, gone into the bedroom to sleep it off, and this man's face came into my mind. I felt better. I fell asleep thinking about his smile.
Next Sunday, the same thing. I watched other members of my congregation whose lives were all put together nice and neat, and listened to them dodge the hard questions about morality and sexual purity which enraged me. How in the world are women supposed to manage their lives if the topic of sex addiction is too taboo to speak of honestly in church?
Again, I went back to my room, and proceeded to shut it all out, and numb through a nice afternoon nap. Again his face entered into my mind more specifically his eyes. But this time it was not as pleasant, and did not have the same numbing effect like last time.
It was on week three that this happened, that I started to panic. What was this? What is going on? Please Lord! Take this from me! I do not want this man's face in my mind, and it's all that I can see when I feel rejected, shamed, or alone. I can not stop this on my own!
The very next week, I sat in my woman's recovery meeting and heard the words, "I have a crush on a man who is not my husband."
That was the week that I learned about sex addiction and how it manifests itself in women. That is the week the Lord had been preparing me for, for months. And I was ready to hear.
I had spent over a year in recovery, and never knew that women could go through lust addiction, just like their husbands.
You see where my husband had been acting out in a physical way. THAT was how I had always known lust addiction. It was my only understanding. And it is how addiction manifests itself in men.
I did not understand what lust addiction was like for a woman. I held a temple recommend, had never so much as looked at a magazine, websites, gotten into chat rooms, read romance novels, or self-stimulated.
THAT is what I thought lust addiction was for women. The things that can get their temple recommends taken away. I was not at all in favor of that. You see I had made covenants with the Lord. I could rationalize and justify everything like the pro my husband had become in his own addiction.
And satan KNEW he could not take me out coming in through the front door.
His attack was much more subtle and deceptive. He would not wage an all out assault. He would come in at me over time, with multiple exposures. Certainly thinking a man is attractive is no problem. Certainly watching a movie because the actor is handsome is no threat. There is no harm in looking at a man's face. That is all I am attracted to anyway.
Do you hear them? The soft, subtle, snares carefully crafted and placed by the adversary?
I did not hear them either, until I was ensnared. Until it was too late, and I was in all out lustful behavior.
My experience not being able to get this man's face out of my head no matter how much effort and prayer I put in to it, if heard by anyone knowledgable about addiction, would clearly tell me, the ritualization, preoccupation, and acting out behavior was lust addiction.
What? I have been true and faithful to my eternal companion. I have NOT betrayed him like he betrayed me.
That is not the truth however, and the Lord had an important lesson to teach me.
I went straight to my bishop. There was nothing that needed to be taken care of through the priesthood, so he encouraged me to go to the temple.
That week I went to the temple to get clear about what I had heard, and to see what I could do to overcome my feelings around this man. I went with my husband. It was a busy day, the session was full. We would need to wait an hour until the next session.
I was able to sit in the chapel for over an hour. The peacefulness and spirit of the Lord were very tangible. It was my first time watching the new endowment video. I had strong emotions and promptings watching it for the first time. I had an incredible sense of peace. The Lord kept reminding me about the covenants I had made. It was impressed over and over as I listened to the words of the covenants that if I had been really living my covenants and had taken them seriously, if I had been attentive, I would have never become so ensnared by satan. I kept feeling the impression remember these covenants. They will keep you safe.
The session was almost over. I was only seconds before I was to pass through the veil when the thought went through my head..."You are not worthy to enter into the Lord's presence. You are unclean and have not done all that is required for repentance."
I started to panic. What would I do? As these thoughts went through my head I was being asked to come up and wait at the veil. I looked left in desperation. There was the door. I knew I needed to just excuse myself and walk through that door. How could I walk through the door? I had come all this way? I panicked, I was too embarrassed. All these people would see me bail.
In my shame I caved. I did not leave.
Feeling defeated I stood there bargaining with the Lord. Please Lord! I was not ready. I did not know. I would have never entered into your house if I had known my worthiness was in question. I will do what I need to do so that when being brought into your presence, I will not wish to shrink, or to cease to exist. I felt that awful crisis of the wicked being brought to make an account of their lives before their maker, and I KNEW I was not worthy of the kingdom of God, and what's more. He knew it.
Before I knew it I went through the motions and I was through the veil. As I stood in the Celestial Room I just wept. The Lord did not abandon me however. Even though I was being taught a very valuable and symbolic lesson he never did leave my side. He let me know it was time to cleanse my vessel. It was time to take my addiction seriously and not to come back until I had clean hands and a pure heart.
You see the Lord cares very much about our covenant marriages. He also knows HOW a woman can become addicted. Lust is no respecter of gender. It just manifests itself differently in women. The Lord understands this. He anticipated it. Here are His words about it.
But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a (man) to lust after (him) hath committed adultery with (him) already in (her) heart. -Matthew 5:28
This is certainly what had happened with me...and I didn't even know it. I wasn't even aware. I had been completely deceived.
I have often heard the adage, Women give sex to get love, and men give love to get sex.
There is great truth about the genders in old cliche. What is more men and women manifest lust addiction in very different ways. A righteous woman would not willingly cheat or enter into an extramarital affair with a man. Before that happens an emotional connection has to be made. And Satan knows it.
He takes the beautiful connection that happens when a man and woman connect emotionally, the deep spiritual connection that a man and woman can feel with each other and the Lord, and he destroys it and perverts. He does this with women in the same manner as he does with men as he takes the physical intimate relationship that ultimately connects the marriage to the Lord and he subverts it, twists it, and destroys it. When in his hands, this natural, beautiful, intimate connection, saved and ordained under the marriage covenant becomes a tool for the destruction of marriage and soul.
Women can get just as great of a hit of dopamine, seratonin, oxytocin, estrogen, as a man can while he is looking at pornography. When she is engaging in emotional intimate thoughts, fantasies, or preoccupation with a man outside of her marriage it is just as ensnaring as any other addiction. The chemicals and endorphins released in her body when she goes to connect with someone inside her mind, when she goes to that fantasy of leaving her marriage relationship, are the exact same chemicals released in the brain of a drug addict or alcoholic.
The potency is just greater with her because the chemicals are produced by the body and not synthetically re-produced. In the case with illegal drugs or alcohol that is an example of a synthetic drug. The body is better equipped to break down its own natural chemicals. Thus making lust/sex addiction harder to overcome than other addiction because the body is really good at breaking down its own naturally produced hormones.
Now, just because I was aware of my addiction, and I had this experience at the temple, it did not make me perfect the next day.
If this was the case all addicts everywhere would just be able to Stop It. Stop ritualizing, stop fantasizing, stop obsessing. No, I had all the same seeds of shame that are requisite to feed addiction.
I got accountable and responsible, got a sponsor, went to 12-steps, reported to my woman's group. I worked closely with my bishop. I prayed, fasted, and worked hard to regain admittance to the temple.
Instead of seeking his attention at church, which I always got because he simply talked to everyone, I would avoid the classes he would be in. I would sit on the very front row so I would not have to avoid looking at him. If we were forced to speak, I would not look at his eyes.
Those were not my only boundaries or bottom lines.
I had to place boundaries around my behavior, so that I could not even go into the North end of the house to look out the window across to my neighbor's house.
I still slipped. Many days I cried in frustration. Many times I got on the phone. Many instances I went to my knees. I would call a sponsor. Some days I would go into full blown relapse or binge behavior.
Instead of panicking I learned that with every slip, relapse, or binge I learned more about myself. It gave me information so that I could become aware of my own shame, get honest about it, and place better bottom lines on my own behavior. I could avoid getting so stressed and numbing my pain.
I did not like my marriage, but it did not give me permission to leave it. My reality is mine is broken, and it is not okay to look to another man to numb my pain.
And now I share my story. I share it because it is not something discussed in young women's. It is not spoken from the pulpit. It is not recognized for the evil it is. Because it requires secrecy to feel the shame and perpetuate the lies of Lucifer, it needs never be given a name.
But it has a name. It is lust addiction. And I am recovering from it. It is real and it is destructive. It would have kept me from the presence of the Lord, and that is very serious. Anything that would prevent a woman from being able to look her God in the eyes is definitely worth telling my story for. If it has helped even one woman, then I feel gratitude for my experience.
I have often heard the adage, Women give sex to get love, and men give love to get sex.
There is great truth about the genders in old cliche. What is more men and women manifest lust addiction in very different ways. A righteous woman would not willingly cheat or enter into an extramarital affair with a man. Before that happens an emotional connection has to be made. And Satan knows it.
He takes the beautiful connection that happens when a man and woman connect emotionally, the deep spiritual connection that a man and woman can feel with each other and the Lord, and he destroys it and perverts. He does this with women in the same manner as he does with men as he takes the physical intimate relationship that ultimately connects the marriage to the Lord and he subverts it, twists it, and destroys it. When in his hands, this natural, beautiful, intimate connection, saved and ordained under the marriage covenant becomes a tool for the destruction of marriage and soul.
Women can get just as great of a hit of dopamine, seratonin, oxytocin, estrogen, as a man can while he is looking at pornography. When she is engaging in emotional intimate thoughts, fantasies, or preoccupation with a man outside of her marriage it is just as ensnaring as any other addiction. The chemicals and endorphins released in her body when she goes to connect with someone inside her mind, when she goes to that fantasy of leaving her marriage relationship, are the exact same chemicals released in the brain of a drug addict or alcoholic.
The potency is just greater with her because the chemicals are produced by the body and not synthetically re-produced. In the case with illegal drugs or alcohol that is an example of a synthetic drug. The body is better equipped to break down its own natural chemicals. Thus making lust/sex addiction harder to overcome than other addiction because the body is really good at breaking down its own naturally produced hormones.
Now, just because I was aware of my addiction, and I had this experience at the temple, it did not make me perfect the next day.
If this was the case all addicts everywhere would just be able to Stop It. Stop ritualizing, stop fantasizing, stop obsessing. No, I had all the same seeds of shame that are requisite to feed addiction.
I got accountable and responsible, got a sponsor, went to 12-steps, reported to my woman's group. I worked closely with my bishop. I prayed, fasted, and worked hard to regain admittance to the temple.
Instead of seeking his attention at church, which I always got because he simply talked to everyone, I would avoid the classes he would be in. I would sit on the very front row so I would not have to avoid looking at him. If we were forced to speak, I would not look at his eyes.
Those were not my only boundaries or bottom lines.
I had to place boundaries around my behavior, so that I could not even go into the North end of the house to look out the window across to my neighbor's house.
I still slipped. Many days I cried in frustration. Many times I got on the phone. Many instances I went to my knees. I would call a sponsor. Some days I would go into full blown relapse or binge behavior.
Instead of panicking I learned that with every slip, relapse, or binge I learned more about myself. It gave me information so that I could become aware of my own shame, get honest about it, and place better bottom lines on my own behavior. I could avoid getting so stressed and numbing my pain.
I did not like my marriage, but it did not give me permission to leave it. My reality is mine is broken, and it is not okay to look to another man to numb my pain.
And now I share my story. I share it because it is not something discussed in young women's. It is not spoken from the pulpit. It is not recognized for the evil it is. Because it requires secrecy to feel the shame and perpetuate the lies of Lucifer, it needs never be given a name.
But it has a name. It is lust addiction. And I am recovering from it. It is real and it is destructive. It would have kept me from the presence of the Lord, and that is very serious. Anything that would prevent a woman from being able to look her God in the eyes is definitely worth telling my story for. If it has helped even one woman, then I feel gratitude for my experience.
