After writing about the shift, unfortunately I discovered there was no momentum and my marriage went from moving forward, to slipping into neutral. My first car was a 1980 Ford Tempo stick-shift. When it would slip out of gear there was a whole lot of revving of the engine, but the wheels were not going anywhere.
This is what I had been apprehensive about for my marriage. I knew that I could see the words of healing, and I was extremely happy to hear new words from my husband, but I could not trust the words yet. I am aware that I am going to need much more time with many more safe words and safe behavior before I will be able to trust my husband.
Unfortunately, the behavior did not find it's way into my marriage. I heard the words of safety. My experiencing the shift was a whole lot of revving without any forward motion.
My husband's behavior for the next four weeks has not been of creating safety. The words were there, but the behavior or the momentum stopped.
None of my safety needs have been met for weeks on end.
During this time I was in my ConneXions group and I was told that I get to chose what to do when someone comes and dumps mud in my house.
I have reached the point of health that I get to tell them how it affects me. I get to ask them to clean it up if they want to remain in my life. Not only that but they have been coming and dumping all this mud for years and I am no longer going to clean it up, or willing to open the door when they come over.
"Yes," my counselor replied, "but you also get to chose how close you let that person show up in your life. Are you going to invite this person into your innermost circle? Are they safe? You get to create an appropriate boundary not only of whether or not you open the door, but if they are allowed on your property, if you accept phone calls, all things that are determined by how safe the person is for you.
It started clicking.
On Monday I was speaking with a different betrayal trauma counselor and we were discussing what love is.
Here was her list.
Love upholds boundaries.
Love is safe.
Love is responsible.
Love is honest.
That is quite a basic list. And my marriage has none of that.
My eyes opened up. All the denial; gone.
Wow. Cold, sobering, reality. The person who has been throwing mud is Cody. And I get to figure out how close I invite him to be to me.
I also saw that he is not holding any boundaries for himself. When he refuses to do this it is unsafe, dishonest, and irresponsible.
I looked at how I show up in my marriage. Have I slipped back into my role that I played in my family of origin? Did I decide to create myself into a lovable person so I could be worthy of love?
Love like this is conditional, and it is not the love I want in my marriage. The love i am searching for is not controlling. It is unconditional and responsible.
With sad realization I saw my marriage does not posses the four qualities of boundaries, responsibility,safety, or honesty.
My emerald glasses fell off.
I decided that I needed to separate from Cody. I felt really good about this possibility. I felt a great deal of comfort.
I took my decision to the temple to figure out how to proceed.
I was expecting to find confirmation about my decision to ask Cody to leave. In all honesty, I had my answer before I entered the doors. I really just wanted validation.
I was surprised by my additional answer.
I was going to ask my husband to leave, and yet inside those Holy walls, I was the one being asked to leave. I was given confirmation and peace around my decision to separate. The peace about it came from the Lord. This answer did not look like how I thought it would. However, I went home confident in my answer.
Hours later after talking to my bishop, I sat in bed trying to figure out what In the world had just happened? Had I really felt what I had? Me leaving? Going to Idaho? What about the children? Really? Who was I to uproot my family and move across state lines for my safety?
It made NO sense. Period. I thought I had completely lost my mind!!!
I sat there and my intellectual, logical, thinking brain rationalized: No, I had been mistaken. The Lord wouldn't want me to do this, I must have been caught up in the moment and felt something and had only supposed going to Idaho was right.
Upon waking up, I still felt horrible and anxious inside. I was still letting the shame of, "who are you?" eat me up.
I had two hours before my couple's counseling, so I decided to go back to the temple for clarity.
Going back was a good decision.
I took the answer to the Lord and said, I can not figure this out, or see my way. I took ten steps back and asked for a clean slate. All I needed was to feel the Love of the Lord. I did not want or desire to think about moving. I just wanted to feel the Spirit.
At the temple I read D&C 101
16 Therefore, let your hearts be comforted...for all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God.
Followed by
36 Wherefore, fear not even unto death; for in this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full.
37 Therefore, care not for the body, neither the life of the body; but care for the soul, and for the life of the soul.
38 And seek the face of the Lord always, that in patience ye may possess your souls, and ye shall have eternal life.
Wow! That was a prompted and timely scripture!!
I was being reassured and comforted. I felt like it was the Lord's way of saying "Relax. I've got you right here in My hand."
After the scripture I again found the Spirit prompting me to return to Idaho. I felt the peace and Spirit of the Lord just as strongly as the night before. This time I was paying attention to the words being said. During this time I had a strong impression that it was okay to trust myself. I heard the Spirit witness that I HAD indeed been guided and directed.
So now what does that look like? It is me taking a step into the dark and unknown, but I feel supported and I have not been left alone. I feel like I have been given all the support I need to make this move. The support is Divine and beautiful. What an amazing gift He has provided for me.
I was also shown why our marriage had slipped into neutral. Cody is very upset and feels victimized for coming out and telling me about his sex addiction. He does not believe that he did the right thing and tells me this is what he gets for being honest because now look what is happening. I am looking. It has been so good for me. I am getting stronger and breaking out of my codependence and he resents it. I was shown this great resentment and anger that is keeping Cody stuck.
I was shown that it is his resentment and turning away from God and towards his own shame that is the reason the Lord is asking me to leave.
Cody can not create safety for me if he is secretly pissed off at me and himself for the way his life is going.
The Lord showed me at the temple that the resentment and anger are why we have never shifted into recovery for our marriage.
What next... Well, I got rid of my Ford. It was too unreliable. It was constantly slipping out of gear. I worked my tail off and bought a reliable car that would take me to the road I wanted to be on safely.
The same thing has happened in my life. I have made the move across state lines. I am living as a single mother with four young boys. It is just me. It is all on me to be the mother I can to these precious children. I am no longer worrying about depending on a reliable car. I have found safety in the Lord.
I feel at times lonely, and tentative of the unknown, yet through it all, I am being supported by Heavenly hands.
I was given and shown love and support when I got sick during the move. My new neighbors knocked on my door and brought food for my family.
There have been miracles all along the way. I feel sad today. Unknowing what tomorrow will hold, and wondering will my marriage make it? So far it does not look good. But, regardless of the sad state of my marriage the Lord has me in His loving and capable Hands. I will put my trust in Him, and surrender the future to Him.
