Easter Morning:

Easter Morning: Taking His Hand

I opened my eyes. I glanced at the clock. It was early. I always wake up early. I had not forgotten. It was the last thing I was thinking of when I dozed off to sleep. I had a few hours to get ready.

As I began to get dressed a pang of grief hit me in the stomach. I felt ashamed. I hope the sickness in my stomach passes. I resist the feeling of personal failure and go to the box at the end of my bed.

Maybe I could forget about it momentarily as I go grab something to eat. I cannot shake from my mind the finality of this day. Preoccupied, I eat my breakfast somewhere else. I am no longer at the breakfast table.  A movie begins to play in my mind. An old movie projector flashes memories of the last 12 years. I am being shown my joy.  I used to feel so happy. I remember that feeling. Sadness and loneliness take over. I watch myself scramble and fight for love. It was so many years. I was completely unaware of what was going on. I am not looking forward to what comes next. I watch my heart drop. It shatters into thousands of pieces. I tried so desperately to catch it. How can I ever put it back together? I was angry. So very angry!! How did I let this happen? Look at what a fool I had been! I looked at my loss. Oh how I bargained. I just knew there was something I could do. I knew if I tried hard enough that it would all be okay…nothing I tried worked. My efforts proved to not be enough.

The sound of my alarm brought me back…

 It was time.

I went back upstairs and grabbed the box off my bed. I had an appointment. I did not want to be late.

This appointment had taken quite a deal of time to arrange. That was not His fault. He had invited me long ago. I just hadn’t felt ready. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be entirely ready. I didn’t have all of the information. I worked hard to get here. I understand something new that I didn’t know back then. He is the only one who I can place my trust in now. I will let Him.

I arrived at the pre-designated spot. It was a beautiful spring morning. The grass was new and wet from the early morning dew. The sun shone brightly, and even thought there was a chill left over from the night, the air warmed all about me.

I saw Him in a distance.

I stopped, but I did not turn back.

I gathered all of my courage. I grasped my box tight to my chest and started towards Him.

He greeted me encircling me in His arms. It is the most love I had ever felt. He offered solace to my aching heart.

“Thank you Reta. I know what this means to you, and has meant to you. Are you sure you are ready?”

“Lord, I would be lying if I said I will ever completely be ready. This really hurts. I know this is my only pathway to peace. I trust YOU.”

With that he motioned down to my box.

“Can I see it?”

I placed the box down on the ground. I lifted the lid off of the box, struggling with the shame of what He would see. Why am I so ashamed? He understands better than me what being here symbolizes for me.

He was tender and with great caress and infinite love lifted it out of the box.

It was withered. Wilted, dead. He could see on the leafless stems the years that it had been sick. It was broken and in pieces. I stood there in so much pain watching my Lord holding it in His pierced and loving hands. I could not watch. The tears welled up. I could no longer see Him through the tears. I hurt.

“Lord,” I began. “I did everything I could think of to keep it alive and growing. Nothing I could do, not my best efforts could keep this marriage that I loved from dying. It meant everything to me. I loved, and cherished and fought for it. In the end all that I could do was still not enough to save it.”

“Reta, you did everything you could. I am pleased with your faithful efforts. They were sufficient.”

Gently, He handed it to me. We both knew there was nothing left to be done. The marriage had been terminal for some time. There was no recovery. I cried as I carried it to the tomb, the Lord at my side as He gently guided me inside those dark walls. The morning sun was the only light penetrating that lonely place. I ached with pain.  I placed it on the chilled gray stone. This is agony. In just seconds I would walk away, knowing that I was ultimately giving it over to Him. With a grief and suffering that shook my entire frame I began to sob.

There was nothing left to be done.

There was nothing left but surrender.

I had exhausted all of my resources.

There was only one option left. I would in every way give it over to His care.

As we turned to leave, I crumbled to the floor. My marriage… The most important thing I had ever done, the most precious journey I had ever embarked on… I was actually leaving it and walking away. I gathered my courage and my strength. I had found incredible safety at the Lord’s side. He was asking me to trust Him. He had shown me that He was safe. I knew it.

 “I will trust you Lord, but I don’t know if I can walk right now.”

He picked me up and carried me out wrapped up in His loving arms.

He affectionately put me down and with the ease rightful as the Creator of the universe walked back to the door and rolled the stone securely into its place. It was over. I looked at the stone.

It symbolized the zenith of my grief, the ultimate trust in Him, and my willingness to sacrifice.

As with all things the story is not over.  We turned over a new leaf together.

With the Easter Season comes a time where life is breathed back into the winter world. New things bloom, flowers grow. Old things depart and life is restored.

I had placed my marriage upon the alter. I had given everything to the Lord. All my control, all my pride. All my selfishness. All my longings. All my loss. All my fear. All my anger. All my joy. All my tears. I had given everything I had to Him.

I completely and entirely placed all my trust, all my faith, in the Lord knowing with complete surrender that I would finally find peace.

Time for an Easter Miracle.

The One who is ready and willing and ever capable to save in his great and ultimate compassion breathed life back into my marriage. 

My marriage once again lives. My marriage with God. I am a new person. I am better for my loss and my grief. I am more careful with how I speak. I am more conscious of my flaws and the affect I have on others.  I am willing to learn how to love unconditionally. I am near God and I feel safe. I feel my joy returning.  I know who I am. I love myself now.

I have a new confidence in myself because I know how to find the Lord. I have given all that I have and He immediately blessed me by being right by my side.

This new marriage won’t be perfect. I am flawed and messy, but the foundation is sure. He is the architect.

He will be safe for me. Together or Not at all. He asks "Will you walk with me?"
"I want to Lord," and reach for His hand.