Toxic Shame

My dear friend wrote a moving piece about toxic shame. I felt like her thoughts could have come straight from my head as they mirror feelings I've identified with. All of the painful feelings of powerlessness and worthlessness have attacked my soul. I battle with my story, and believing I am  enough. I will also be constructing a reply to toxic shame.  It will be coming in a couple of weeks.

I need to keep myself centered, in the moment, and reality to stay humble and maintain the Spirit. I also have to accept my story, all of it, while loving myself, having self-compassion and self-empathy.  These things are going to be critical to correcting the shame and healing my heart. To shed the shame and heal my heart, I am going to need to use the voice God gave me and share my story.

             I allow toxic shame to dictate to me every time I allow myself to step out of authenticity. Every time I “sell-out” by seeking to please, appease, or control I give up a piece of myself to be used, even by myself. Whenever I allow what I think is expected of me to override what I know or feel is right for me, I am in toxic shame. I internalize it when I feel ineffective, unimportant or unnoticed; when I allow myself to believe I am a hopeless and worthless, ignored, and invaluable.

             It eats away at my soul and poisons my hopes and faith. Then it lies and says I will never be “enough” and I will never get out. It cripples me with fear and hopelessness, setting me up to fail with emotional disconnect and unrealistic expectations of perfection. It says “I/they/you will love you when _____” and never fails to move the finish line just as I reach it.

             I feel it constantly some days. It is relentlessly destructive and pervasive. It tells me I am a disgusting, ugly idiot and always will be, that I am a piece of trash and a complete screw-up. It also tells me I am better than everyone else because I have been so picked on and survived. They will never understand and love me. Just take care of myself and never trust anyone.

             I see it and hear it everywhere, coming at me like rain. Sometimes it sprinkles, sometimes it pours. It comes in waves that drench me, or as bullets to my heart.

It hurts

I want it gone

I want it to stop

It just wants me dead.

So now what? How do I stop playing into it and get out? It’s hard, I can’t lie. I'm not out, and I'm not sure that is even fully possible living this life. This junk is seriously so interwoven in our thoughts, feelings, society and culture, it’s like trying to learn to breathe underwater. Nevertheless, I have learned a few things. I need to keep myself centered, in the moment, and reality to stay humble and maintain the Spirit. I also have to accept my story, all of it, while loving myself, having self-compassion and self-empathy.  I have to limit interactions with people who would destroy my faith, hope, dreams and self worth. Sometimes I have to completely cut off those relationships to save myself. These things are going to be critical to correcting the shame and healing my heart. I am also going to need to use the voice God gave me and share my story.

To do that, though, first I have to be honest about and embrace my story, release the anger, resentment and distortion and find the Truth. It’s hard. I’m blessed to have some great guides, the most important being my Savior and the Spirit. 

I am so thankful for them. It makes everything more bearable to know they are my constant companions and that I have angels on both sides of the veil who care about me and want me to succeed. It’s hard to trust that sometimes. I do NOT like trusting people, and I feel even more grumpy about real vulnerability. Until I get through it, then I am so thankful. As much as I hate to admit it (and know I will deny it!), I am thankful for both trust and vulnerability. I don’t have to expose anything to anyone who is unsafe and unproven. Living in the shadows and corners just isn’t working for me anymore. I miss people and I miss feeling, so I’m coming back, a little at a time. Healing the deeply rooted shame messages I have heard all my life has been such a gift and blessing. Hard work and seriously excruciating at times, but such a blessing.  So here I am, using my voice to tell you, this is so worth it! And that God loves us. He is aware and He is watching carefully so that His precious silver will not burn, but instead perfectly reflect His own image of Patience, Love, Compassion and Hope. His Grace IS sufficient, as long as our hearts are willing.